Me if i were...
a season: early spring
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a character: Marin Kitagawa or Yuki from Wolf Children
a flower: sakura
a place: metropolis empty streets at night
a weather: frosty winter morning with sun and cool breeze
a fruit: green grapes
a vegetable: tomato or something green
a sport: volleyball or badminton
a game: transformice
an instrument: bass guitar
a drink: sakura soda
(i didnt add a couple since i dont know my favorite dish or anything food related so lol too bad)
hi, sorry its late, ive been struggling a little lately i forgot to put it out here
i hope youre doing okay
hi i dont want to make this post pretty or whetever i just need space to talk about this and i just genuinely feel so lonely, i dont want attention so at least posting it here where i literlly get 0 views might make me feel somewhat better, i literally want to move out of this house so bad im so so so so so sick of this, i feel so dirty like its under my skin and i cant get rid of this no matter what . i hate living in this disgusting filthy trashy house where everything is everywhere and its so bright so cluttered theres just so much stuff im dizzy
my parents and especially my mum is a little bit of a hoader shes insanely overconsumptioning everything and i just want to leave at this point, ive seen so many same pairs of shoes in different colours, just stack and stacks of random clothes i never see my mum wearing, her bedroom is all surrounded by warderobe and she still cant fit all of her shit in so she has a warderobe in the hallway, theres stuff in my dads office, she has stuff in half of my dresser and she has an entire seperate warderobe in my brothers room and im not even going to talk about the full laundry room and living room filled with clothes and all the drawers with randm shit like cards or papers.. the forks and all utensils are filled with some papers and notes and markers, the amount of cosmetics my mum gets as freebies.. i have drawers full of them and her and my dad just keep buying and buying and buying and when i ask them to get something like a new duvet becouse i genuinely have been using 3 same ones that are filthy by now i get told NO
i just want out i want out i dont want to be here i genuinely dream of moing so bad im gonna turn into most minimalistic person youll know becouse i genuinely cant stand having this much stuff and the compulsions to just throw everything out have been getting to me day by day i keep throwing out some cosmetics empty lotions that lay in the drawers yet i just feel like theres more and more piling up and im never going to truely see an end to this im so tired and the worst is, even if i see mold anywhere or dirty sink i just physically cant vring myself to clean it vecouse im so insanely scared this is going to contaminatw me and im gonna be so dirty and i just rather to live with it that touch it and try to get rid of it ever - i still find so many things that should be thrown away so so so long ago, i keep saying this but im sick every single time i find something thats past a decade and its still there i just want to rip this home so shreds and start over i want to throw all my collections away, everything that doesnt serve a purpose but at this point with my moms hoardings i cant i genuinely dont have a place to even throw everything out, she keeps buying and getting new stuff and im suffocating so bad i dont want to live like this anymore i dont want to go through this never again if i ever move out i feel so filthy i just want to leave so bad
yet at the same time i get anxiety becouse of how much things i want to throw out isnt this landfill? whats worse, my mothers hoarding or my urge to purge everything i own into bins? am i a bad person for throwing so much stuff that can still be used? what if im going to regret throwing this out, what if i could give it away instead but i dont want to gie my trash to ther pepole to clutter their house whqatt do i do like am i a bad person for going through my mums stuff maybe i never shouldve touched these in the first place what if my mum is going to be mad at me for throwing something out or shes going to buy new stuff becouse she cant find the old ones and then she will know thati threw these stuff out or wat if she sees that my drawers are full of her cosmetics and im using them up and what if they were expensive and shes never going to get them again or what if that was kept as a gift for someone and i just ruined it for her and she has to look for it again ... i dont want to tell her i already tried multiple times to get me new bedding or ask to take out these drawers so at least my space is going to be clean but thats not happening anytime soon she got mad at me and screamed and i dont want help becouse what if i will get told im acting this whole shit up or my mom will think im actually spiraling and insane or what if they are going to put me in a facility for this, what if my mom will make me do like exposure theraphy and clutter my room even more i dont even know what i would do, i dont want help i want just all of these stuff gone i dont want to see all of these clothes again i want my room to be empty i want to start over and never ever own this much stuff ever ever ever again i just want this to end but she keeps on going keeps on grabbing new things new cosmetics new freebies
my dad and my brother dont care they dont get it qand threy never will they dont mind that the shower has mold in it they dont mind the amount of clothes in this house they dont mind the amount of empty christmas packaging that will probably be never used up. no one cares about the overflowing closets no one cares about how many purses my mum has and that she keeps going and i feel so fucking lonely and i feel like im going insane becouse maybe that amount is normal and im just imagining things? what if im just making my mum look like shes the crazy one and im actually acting insane wanting to throw everything out why am i doing this
i feel so guilty and im suffocating in this
i dont want this
i want clean space i want to be at peace
i just want to move out
