I feel a little bad for skipping school so much... since my internship ended i have went only twice, for my exam and courses and i tried my best for none of my classmates to notice me.. I know im avoiding my classmates on purpose but theres honestly a lot of conflicting feelings i have towards them. I think i usually come off as friendly and nice to others but in reality i dont do very well interacting with pepole, especially long term. Thats why i consider my relationship with other classmates a complicated thing.. but its probably one sided since i really ehm like to overcomplicate things and overthink them and they probably just think im a normal girl. Honestly i really miss having someone to look after me in class though.
My primary school best friend... i really regret we split and grown apat so much. We have contact now, i guess? we made up? but i think its still awkward between us - mostly just greeting in hallways and sometimes asking if our common teahcer is avaliable on some day. We sent each other tiktoks that we miss each other from time to time but nothing beyond that ever really happended...... i do have dreams of her from time to time, coming to haunt me making me feel like im mourining for someone who never died
I used to have a best friend in first grade of high school too but in second year we also.. differed. I sometimes look around my class and all i can see are friend groups im sometimes included as but i never really belong to them, never get added to their group chats, like im never quite enough, neither . I have one or two pepole id call.. friends i guess but its complicated... one of them has other, hmmm.. friends i think she would consider higher priority than me. Like, im on her third place or so. The other one makes me confused becouse i cant really read her thoughts, i tried to reach out, deepen the friendship but.. i guess it never worked out and we talk sometimes, but shes more extroverted and naturally surrounded with pepole, though i know that ex friend i mentioned was talking stuff behind her back so its not all sunshines and rainbows.. I like being alone, i really do. I can focus better on lectures, i dont have to constantly rely on other pepoles opinion and just cnstantly talk(I HATE TALKING NONSTOP ABOUT NOTHING!!!!!!!)(Its not even a fun talk just euughghhh im soooooooo bored, like syfm....) but it gets really lonely sometimes and all i can think about when im drawing by myself in class is my boyfriend. I do have pepole in class i talk to, but they have their best buddy already.
Its like im trying to push myself into their bubble and i just rather be on my own than psh myself in someones space. I often think that college will be better, and i still have some hope since durning my internship i met some cool pepole that actually interacted with me without making me feel invisible... in school i always sit on the other side of pc row, in class mostly by myself unless theres no other seats, no one comes up to me to chat like they do with others and joining groups of pepole just to get ignored anyway makes me feel worse than being by myself. Less of a emmberassing public humiliation ritual, i rather that than just making a fake crowd.I remember when i struggled with a lot of things in my second year and pepole i laer talked to, noticed, bt they just chose to ignore it. They conffessed to me, that they saw i was upset but i guess no one really cared enough to ask if i was ok. Yeah its not like i always try to make everyone feel included and try to chat to everyone who seem alone but ok.
I need to accept that the rule of treating pepole how you want to be treated is no longer applying lol. Maybe just pepole in highschool are dicks.
I know its normal and honestly, who cares? Most of these pepole are going downfall and i dont need any friends, im good on my own, but sometimes just seeing how pepole DONT get ignored in large groups of pepole makes me a little insecure. I miss faving a best friend in class. Sure, i have a boyfriend and we meet durning breaks but sitting by myself durning lectures feels like a humiliation ritual sometimes. I know its the end of the school year too, but maybe i just had to get it out.. after tasting what office looks like.. true, maybe i would never hada chance to talk to these pepole and i dont like everyone i met there but compared to school where i come to sit around - get overstimulated and tired just to be ignored by everyone either way? bruh.. Looking at media such as look back, hyouka, silent voice or k-on, constantly watching anime about friendships and stuff,, sometimes i think i should just giive up with my hope for making friends becouse if i really were to make friends here, i probably wouldve by now, no? Im not going to get invited to your stupid birthday party anyway. Even when you invited the whole class. Yeah we're on the same bus, everyone, have fun at the place, im just gonna head to my place. Its not like i got invited. Im not going to have fun anyway, i dont like them anyway,
khem- yeah
I miss my old friends, i miss my online friends who are all grown up now. If im gonna be on my own either way i rather just stay at home and not bother, its for the best. All i can do is just supress this feeling or keep looking for pepole and community that doesnt exist
No comments:
Post a Comment