tumblr, january 11th

 tumblr rant i wanted to repost as its accurate to my previous post

 

why is making friends as an autistic person so difficult?

 

i had many attempts to connect with my schoolmates and actually reach out to pepole like i said i will. . .and none of it worked out i feel like my old friends im not in contanct with as much as i used to dont see me as the person i am but still think of me as a version who no longer exists

socialising overwhelms me and i get exhausted easily so i tend to avoid interaction at all, when i eventualy get invited somewhere i remember how bad i feel afterwards or how these pepole make me feel left out. i dont mind being a lone, matter of fact i like it since its a relief not having to worry about other pepoles feelings when theres no one around.but i still often get this thought and pain deep down lookign through my peers stories or posts where they go out or hangout in groups, loneliness and feeling like im not fun enough to participate, i dont understand jokes, pepole acting foolish or social cues and i tend to feel invisible. even when im talking to someone 1:1 i just feel like i have to put a performance for them to like me or like im talking through a glass wall and suddenly i mess all the words and stutter

its hard for me to develop and maintain the friendships i want to have with others and for them to be healthy and fulfilling and supportive when im distant, i wish low maintenance friends were real i wish i was someone elses best friend too, even if it was just one girl friend but i just feel like im surrounded by everyone already having their group, their favorite friend, best friend and always having a pair i feel lonely even if i am with pepole

that one time in december i think i tried to maybe start a friendship with first years and thinking it might actually work just to start feeling a barier with them once we actually met outside school and there was this gap, i dont know, they talking about pepole they know between themselves and me not being included or leaving early becouse they already had a other friendgroup meeting planned and this was just an addition to their day while i prepared for this meeting for days . . . then seeing posts where they had much more fun with others and then we never went anywhere together anywhere haha

i sometimes crave the quiet and peace of being by myself but then other times i ache for connection and bond, not fake or forced but authentic and safe, somewhere i dont have to perform to have fun,the worst is that no matter how many series or anime revolving around friendship or even pepole like me struggling it never actually helps me make friends and i just stay on my own either way

i just feel invisible no matter how hard i try